Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Vitamin Deficiencies and Progress

I apologize for not writing as of late, I have been very very busy!!  I started school again last week, which is my last year!! Finally!!!  I also have been doing pro bono research work on public health law and climate change.  Not to mention the normal items like work and taking care of my son!  I am pretty loaded down right now.

So first I will update as to what has been happening.  I actually have been more sick than usual as of late.  My GI doctor pushed me down to a phase one/two diet, which he said I should follow until things seem to stabilize.  I don't think though that my pacer is the issue, I am pretty convinced it is the implant in my arm causing this, I have always been sensitive to hormones and that thing does mess with my hormone balance, but my PCP doesn't want me to remove it just yet, she really wants me to talk to my GI doctor at my next appointment in the beginning of October to see what he says.  I am really hoping that this is just a phase that I need to work through or I can just get this thing in my arm removed and everything will be better.  It is hard to determine what is causing me to get so sick (nausea, vomiting, etc) because I got the implant in my arm about a week or two before my pacer implant.  I am actually getting more ill and more often than I was before my pacer.  The only reason I am convinced that it is the implant in my arm and the hormones is because I missed my period this month (no I am not pregnant) and I have been ill since then.  It is almost like once my body gets knocked out of that rhythm everything goes out of whack.  My PCP did give me some dissolvable Zofran because every time I feel sick and take my pills I would immediately throw up, so she is hoping that this will at least help take the edge off and not make me vomit!!  The dissolvable pills have never worked that well for me, but something is better than nothing!!  We will see what happens, but for now down to a phase one/two diet, which is basically a liquid/soft foods diet, I will upload the paperwork my doctor sent to me about it in another post, just so people can get an idea of what I am talking about.

On another annoying note, my PCP tested my vitamin D level because I have been struggling with this deficiency for years now and of course I am deficient.  The positive to it is that I am not as deficient as I have been in the past (although that isn't saying much because it is summer), but she did add another 2000 mg to my vitamin D dose per day.  This should help with how tired I have been lately.  I really should go get my other vitamin levels tested because I know potassium and B12 are always concerns too for most of us GPers, plus I know I have no calcium in my body because dairy has been off my edible list for years now.  It is always a battle, but hopefully we can figure out the cause of why I am more sick now and either up my pacer or take out this implant.  Then maybe I won't have to take a million vitamin supplements anymore and can eat a normal diet!  Plus be able to work out at the level I was able to before, a vitamin D deficiency really wears away at the muscles and heart, so it is always harder for me to work out when I am low.

I am going to end on a positive note here though, I have gained back two pounds, but since I have been getting ill again I have been just holding steady, which at this point is an accomplishment for me considering I had been losing about a pound a week before the surgery.  I always like to recognize the small victories because I know that it will take a while for everything to normalize, if things work out as planned.  For now though I am seeing the short term positive effects that I needed, now to figure out the more complicated aspects so I can be around to embarrass my son for many years to come HAHAHA

#gastroparesis #enterratherapy

Monday, August 12, 2013

Updates and Never Being Good Enough

So the surgery incisions seem to be holding stable, which is a good thing because I really don't want to have another surgery!!  In terms of nausea progress, I have been a little off in the last week, which is a little upsetting, but I hope it is just a passing phase.  I haven't really added any weight, but I also haven't lost anymore, so I am happy that I am maintaining weight.  I don't have another appointment until September, so we will see how things go until then.  So far though I like the progress, it is not 100%, but it is better than it was.

On another note I was basically told I was not good enough or unloveable because I am ill.  It is really hard for me to take because that has been my whole life, I have never been good enough, nobody has felt that I was loveable.  It is like I had no chance, I was born with this, I never had a chance.  If someone can't love me now because I am sick, then nobody could have ever loved me.  I always knew this because I have never really felt like anyone really loved me, I almost died twice, I almost always go into surgery alone and people complain if they have to pick me up from a procedure that I cannot drive after.  Some days I almost wonder why I do keep fighting especially when I know that I will never be good enough for anyone.  Some days I just want to hide and escape from everything.  All the hurt and pain emotionally that I feel because of this pushing people away makes it hard to justify fighting.  I continue to fight, but my hope and faith is dwindling fast, I am just getting tired.

#gastroparesis #enterratherapy

Friday, August 2, 2013

So Thankful

So I wasn't sure which blog to post this on, so I will be copying it to both.  A year ago I went to the emergency room in Henderson, Nevada for what I thought was minor dehydration, it ended up being the scariest and clarifying night of my life.  The doctor told me that I might not make it through the night and that I may drop dead on the plane home the next day.  I was there alone.  Six months before that I was in and out of the hospital dying from malnutrition due to a dead gallbladder that went undiagnosed for three months.  The last time I went in they didn't think I had much longer because I couldn't even drink water and lost 30 lbs across the three months with about 10-20 mainly in the last month.  I felt like death, I felt how close I was and most of the time I was alone in that as well.  In the past year I have recovered to an extent, I do have permanent damage from the misdiagnosis and my heart problem will never be gone, but I am so grateful and thankful for the doctors and nurses who were there for me.  I am sitting here with my pacer now, hoping it will fix some of the residual issues, but it will never be a guarantee.  I can tell you though that I am so thankful that I wake up every single day and face the challenges that life puts in front of me.  It has never been easy and some days are really a struggle for me to keep fighting, but there is no way I am giving up.  With all the ups and downs I have in life I will always be grateful for every day that I am able to tell my son I love him, enjoy the weather, take a breath, even if I can't really eat much, be able to eat some delicious food, spend time with all the people I love around me.  Death and the threat of it puts what is important in life into perspective.  It isn't anything I would wish on anyone, my health life has been miserable, it is painful and you lose complete control, but I feel like it was the most humbling experience of my life.  Life is finite, if you don't love and live your life like any day will be your last, you will miss out on all the best things in life.  I choose not to be negative or miserable anymore, I choose to enjoy the life God gave me and live it to the fullest.  Take pleasure and joy in everyday because you never know when you all of a sudden lose an organ to death, your heart suddenly fails, I never ever expected these things in life, but they did happen and helped me immensely.  Love everyone as much as possible, find the good in life and not the bad, do things you were always afraid to do because that opportunity, that person or you could be gone in an instant.  Life is short and finite, not everyone lives to be 90, I am part bionic now and I wouldn't have it any other way because it helps me live to see another day, love another person and cherish every single moment.

#Gastroparesis #EnterraTherapy