Monday, August 12, 2013

Updates and Never Being Good Enough

So the surgery incisions seem to be holding stable, which is a good thing because I really don't want to have another surgery!!  In terms of nausea progress, I have been a little off in the last week, which is a little upsetting, but I hope it is just a passing phase.  I haven't really added any weight, but I also haven't lost anymore, so I am happy that I am maintaining weight.  I don't have another appointment until September, so we will see how things go until then.  So far though I like the progress, it is not 100%, but it is better than it was.

On another note I was basically told I was not good enough or unloveable because I am ill.  It is really hard for me to take because that has been my whole life, I have never been good enough, nobody has felt that I was loveable.  It is like I had no chance, I was born with this, I never had a chance.  If someone can't love me now because I am sick, then nobody could have ever loved me.  I always knew this because I have never really felt like anyone really loved me, I almost died twice, I almost always go into surgery alone and people complain if they have to pick me up from a procedure that I cannot drive after.  Some days I almost wonder why I do keep fighting especially when I know that I will never be good enough for anyone.  Some days I just want to hide and escape from everything.  All the hurt and pain emotionally that I feel because of this pushing people away makes it hard to justify fighting.  I continue to fight, but my hope and faith is dwindling fast, I am just getting tired.

#gastroparesis #enterratherapy